These days i've been fighting a battle, one that i feel i must be losing. I'm sick and tired of wallowing in my sorrows, in and out of the dumps day after day. Being ecstatic and the next being utterly depressed. There really is not light at the end of the tunnel. I read all my previous post and i'm amazed i had so much faith, and yet that faith has dwindled into such an insignificant amount. No amount of sharing helps cause eventually i still have to fight the battle myself.

When i listen to all the p&w songs, my heart aches because i barely mean the words and i yearn to be so filled with God's love to just lift my hands to praise him. I look at myself and i see myself so broken and so incomplete. I try to pray but i give up trying cause i know i'm not getting anywhere. I probably don't recognise half the things He gives me and don't appreciate any of them. One question i ask myself is where did all that faith go? How did it disappear so fast when i've tried to hold on to it for so long. The amount of faith i had surprises me now, the words i have written were written with so much faith and confidence.

I need a miracle or the best i can ask for is a retreat, that's if i can actually fit it in. Don't cry baby.

My spiritual journey so far, I must say that the increasing demands of the secular life had pulled me away from God. Not only has my heart become noisier but my bridge towards God has become longer and longer as the days past. Here comes to prove to the real challenge is praying when you don’t feel like it. I don’t have one iota of valid reasons to be sad and yet I feel this way. The best part is not knowing what’s wrong. Best of all is there are others worse off and here I being a selfish bum and only caring about myself. Argh!!! feb 09

What hurts the most
The only other thing that breaks your heart on a bad day is when your friends aren’t happy. When you can’t do anything but be there for them and sometimes it ain’t enough for you. I’d rather suffer the greatest depression than to see my friends get hurt in any way. If that what suffering for God is like? If we can love our friends with such great capacity, compared to Christ’s love for us it is ever so insignificant. Today’s experience made me think about how much my prayers were needed for my friends and my problems were so insignificant. Their well-being matters more. Though I know that we should always work on outselves before others. feb 03

Am I Ready For Confirmation?

With confirmation round the corner, it got me thinking, Am i really ready for confirmation?
As i sat in the adoration room today, the one question that i kept asking God repeatedly was, Lord, do you think i am ready for confirmation? Am i really ready to receive the holy spirit? Am i ready to go forth and spread the love of God? However, the larger question at hand would be, do i trust myself enough to remain an active church member rather than shrink to become a Sunday Catholic after confirmation? So many question and yet i'm getting confirmed the day after tomorrow.
i'm really stumped by this question, somebody help?

Pre-confi Camp

I went to camp with high expectations, with my spirituality somewhat intact. Being around group 8 was a very welcoming experience because our 'fellowship' began on 12th June and it's amazing how we've travelled so far in our spiritual journey together. Sharing sessions has been an ease, everyone's very open and it felt like we were one family. It was truly moving that everyone congregated together because of that one thing that we all yearned for, which was the presence of God in our lives.

P&W has always been an outlet in which i allow myself to surrender to God and allow him to envelope me with his overwhelming love. It is one form of prayer, worship that has always been easy for me. An enjoyable experience which has a very soothing effect on me. However, someone told me that when you sing praise and worship songs it is essential that you mean what you sing. So that was a new learning point which changed my experience and allowed me to go deeper in that form of worship.

During this retreat, i sincerely believe that i made a the best confession i have ever made and i truly praise and thank God for giving me the strength and courage to do so.

While preparing for praying over, Ms Tan talked to us about what was going to happen and i became afraid. But i soon found myself singing "Be not afraid, i come before you always,come follow me and i will give you rest" And i was very touched by this, this truly made me believe that i will rest in the spirit. I suddenly felt very peaceful and i placed my trust in the lord. During this time, there was heavy rain, thunder and lightning. It was as if God was calling to each and everyone of us, telling us "My child, i am here".

During praying over, i realise now that the holy spirit unlocked the hurt that wallowed deep down in my heart. Hurt and insecurities that i didn't know was dwelling in there. There were moments where i was very overwhelmed by God's love and moments where i felt so alone and so afraid. But in those moments, God never left me alone. When Olivia (my fellow groupmate) gave me a hug, i really felt like i was hugging God. It felt really really awesome =).

As for the rest of camp, it was filled with more tears than joy. Mass the next morning was indeed very reaffirming, God really seemed to be reassuring me. But i rushed off after mass to collect myself and great, awesome, merciful God yet again sent me someone else to comfort me.

When everyone went up on stage to testify your journey, it was very reaffirming especially, those that didn't experience anything tangible during praying over, like me. It was very moving to see that God had changed so many lives, inspired so many and worked wonders to everyone. It was really a pity that we didn't have enough time for everyone because i believe everyone has a story to tell and everyone wants to share it because when you receive God's love you simply have the strongest urge to share it with others. Praise God