These days i've been fighting a battle, one that i feel i must be losing. I'm sick and tired of wallowing in my sorrows, in and out of the dumps day after day. Being ecstatic and the next being utterly depressed. There really is not light at the end of the tunnel. I read all my previous post and i'm amazed i had so much faith, and yet that faith has dwindled into such an insignificant amount. No amount of sharing helps cause eventually i still have to fight the battle myself.

When i listen to all the p&w songs, my heart aches because i barely mean the words and i yearn to be so filled with God's love to just lift my hands to praise him. I look at myself and i see myself so broken and so incomplete. I try to pray but i give up trying cause i know i'm not getting anywhere. I probably don't recognise half the things He gives me and don't appreciate any of them. One question i ask myself is where did all that faith go? How did it disappear so fast when i've tried to hold on to it for so long. The amount of faith i had surprises me now, the words i have written were written with so much faith and confidence.

I need a miracle or the best i can ask for is a retreat, that's if i can actually fit it in. Don't cry baby.

My spiritual journey so far, I must say that the increasing demands of the secular life had pulled me away from God. Not only has my heart become noisier but my bridge towards God has become longer and longer as the days past. Here comes to prove to the real challenge is praying when you don’t feel like it. I don’t have one iota of valid reasons to be sad and yet I feel this way. The best part is not knowing what’s wrong. Best of all is there are others worse off and here I being a selfish bum and only caring about myself. Argh!!! feb 09

What hurts the most
The only other thing that breaks your heart on a bad day is when your friends aren’t happy. When you can’t do anything but be there for them and sometimes it ain’t enough for you. I’d rather suffer the greatest depression than to see my friends get hurt in any way. If that what suffering for God is like? If we can love our friends with such great capacity, compared to Christ’s love for us it is ever so insignificant. Today’s experience made me think about how much my prayers were needed for my friends and my problems were so insignificant. Their well-being matters more. Though I know that we should always work on outselves before others. feb 03